It was a forward. Seems like everyones resolution was to do forwards in ’06
New Rule ..1: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There’s a
reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years. Because you don’t
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the
football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule ..2: Don’t eat anything that’s served to you out a window unless
you’re a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
found in a bowl of Wendy’s chili. Hey, the chili costs less than a
dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only
a finger! If it were a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it
New Rule ..3: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for
these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule ..4: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men care
about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we’re done.
New Rule ..5: There’s no such thing as flavored water. There’s a whole
aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery
taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That’s your
New Rule ..6: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a “decaf grande half-soy,
half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra
dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n’-Low and one NutraSweet,” ooh, you’re a
New Rule ..7: Girls, just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
doesn’t make you spiritual. Come on, it’s right above the crack of your
ass and it translates to “beef with broccoli.” The last time you did
anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren’t pregnant.
You’re not spiritual. You were just high when you picked it out.
New Rule ..8: Competitive eating isn’t a sport. It’s one of the seven
deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating,
because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned
exciting. What’s next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They’re already
doing that. It’s called “The Howard Stern Show.”
New Rule .9: If you’re going to insist on making movies based on crappy,
old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a
remote so we can see what’s playing on the other screens.
Let’s remember the reason something was a television show in the first
place is the idea wasn’t good enough to be a movie.
New Rule ..10: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it’s for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
isn’t gift giving, it’s the white people version of looting.
New Rule .11: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had
sex with George Michael. I can’t even tell if he’s supposed to be there,
or just some freak with a fetish. I don’t want to be on your web cam,
dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule .12: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to know in
months. “27 Months.” “He’s two,” will do just fine. He’s not a cheese.
And I didn’t really care in the first place.