To all you that I have happened to lose your email address, or simply never had it. To all you that read this blog through its insanity and ups/downs.
Happy Thanksgiving! Please be safe driving (and drinking.) Remember your family and friends. Most importantly only 30 more days to shop for xmas.As we all know I have a slight case of ADD or in my mind I have commitement issues. I change jobs like someone buys new shoes. I move as often as that. I have a fear for getting close and a fear for letting down. This is why I refuse to get close or an a position of faith. (Faith in me that is.) I have been through more bicycle shops then I would like to mention. I wish I could change who I am but again I have commitement issues hidden below my “no settling” issues.
Endurance racing, training and work. Three things I am very confused about. I simply want to ride my bike, read a couple great books and maybe find some good music along the way. This is why I have contemplation of a fixed gear cross bike instead of the full suspension rig I should be lusting after. Why I am looking at panniers and tents. Why the 29er appeal is so high. I can’t settle down. I hate commiting to one thing and sticking to it. Back in the spring I had a great gig up in Boston. Great pay in a great area. I couldn’t commit though. I needed out faster than I was in. I wish things up there would of gone different. If that opportunity was closer to the wife or friends. So again I am at the drawing board. What the fuck is up with your life Arleigh. Where are you going. Or rather where would you want to go? Maybe I shouldn’t even worry about that right now. Maybe I should learn to stay at one job in one area for more than 8 months. Maybe I should learn how to communicate better with higher management/owners. I thought training would fix me. Put me on a schedule and a goal in life. Instead it caused more confusing issues. Maybe I went around it the wrong way? Who knows. I want to ride my bike I say. Then why aren’t you? Fear maybe. Fear of where it may take me. Or fear of commitement to that bicycle. My lovely Jeannie. The woman of my life. I have no clue how we have lasted as long as we have. I’m not even sure how she deals with my nonsense. Moving, jobs, buying habits, budget issues. Somehow she has stuck with me, and when I start getting commitement issues and try to push her away she won’t allow it. That I believe is what I need, someone to strap me down and force me to go to one job in one town on one bike. It isn’t that I hate that one job or one job or need more than one bike. It is that I have been that girl for so long. The one that moves. The nomad. One with many ideas and no backbone. Now I am simply trying to learn how to grow one. A back bone which includes commitement. A commitement to myself and my life I wish to end up with. Who knows the moral of this post. I guess be prepared for a bunch of nonsense coming down the blogging tube. I wish I could be happy with life and how it is. I am trying to make it so. I really am.Knowing me for any extent of time you know that I hit ruts. Mentally, physically and emotionally. They always seem to happen either in the month of November, or the month of May. For years it has been so.
Some folks would check it up for the weather, or that something is different in the air. I know it is me and what is ticking inside my head. Almost as if I have a mental clock that needs rewound every May and November. I’m far from perfect and I know I have hurt many folks in my wake of resetting my clock. Multiple jobs that I left in a haste or friends that I simply fell off the earth with. I apologize for all this and I hope in the end they know it wasn’t my plan. Going into any new situation I have hopes and thoughts that things will work out the right way in that situation. Very rarely do they pan out correctly and thus I fall off the earth. Moving or quitting. In my heart I truely am not a bad person. I may make bad choices for my future, or have a commitement issue but I still hold all the people in my mind that I fell through with. There are folks in DC, in South Carolina, Boston and random places all over Maryland. All these things bounce all about my head and make me a bitter person lately. To see where I have been and now where I have ended up makes for a sad Arleigh. I’m not saying I am not happy now. I have many good things going for me in life. I’m also not asking for a pity party. I simply want to straighten things out in my mind. For an example: I have become a moody cranky mechanic at work. Though there are many factors going into that which I can not control. I can control my mood and my direct enviroment. Even if that means going to a “Leadership Meeting” on Wednesday morning and hating every minute of it. A random list :The past two days I have spent a good time at the local state park – Rosaryville. First a night ride with MORE and then trail maintenance with IMBA and MORE. Between my stupid wreck on the night ride, and moving things larger than I am yesterday I barely can walk.
The trail maintenance was really awesome. Working with the IMBA guys that do trail building through out the year was very encourging. I even got to deal with Chris Scott from the SM100 and Wilderness 101. We were the chainsaw duo for a good part of the day. He tried to turn me to the dark side but we ended up only with great conversations about lesbians, riding and brownies. Now the night riding was interesting. I really need to get more trail time this winter. Even if I have to wake up early or work my schedule at work to be able to ride in the early afternoon. Still have low confidence going into things and need to learn how to work those stupid gear things on the bike. It was great seeing some of the MORE guys that I haven’t truely met. Tommy (Gorilla), RickyD, and Jason all turned up. Also Joe was there sporting his Fasso roadie hat. (Major brownie points Joe) Talked with Scott to figure out how to get my shop more involved with MORE and mountain biking. We both had some good ideas it seemed, hopefully I can pursuade the boss man to like them as well!Birthday is coming up. This Sunday actually. There is a week worth of plans during that time. Drinking, riding, and more drinking.
Things have been changing a bit. Concentration more on riding and making plans. This turns into less stress caused by work and the likes. Better things to worry about I guess. Been trying to listen to a better array of music and reading more books. I always treat my birthday like many treat New Years. Too much thinking about life. Learning to be ok with not knowing what I am doing with my life. Learning to be ok with myself and who I am. I’m sure next week I won’t be. But for now I am. Cheery-ho I say. Here is too a weekend of good booze and a hot woman!! Worked.
Drove.
In Philly till Monday morning.
Still fighting the cold / flu. It’s in my chest now.
Hopefully Jeannie and I will ride tomorrow together.
Updates suck I’m sorry.
Monday I hope.. Really.
The day is half gone and I haven’t done anything it seems. Yet the list keeps growing.
The weather is amazing out and I’m using it to my best advantage and going for a ride.My name is Arleigh and I have a problem.
I love Nyquil induced sleep. With that out on the table. Last night I slept for close to 13 hours straight. Now one more night with this Nyquil sleep and all should be better in the head of Arleigh. Sorry I suck at these post lately… to bed I go.A bit under the weather. Went into work to get a few repairs done, got only 2 of them done and then had to proceed back home. Brain is clogged up which is causing headaches and a running nose.
It all started Saturday night. Thought I had slept it off Sunday but apparently not. I blame FJ. Here that Hughes?? You were the first one sick. Back to bed I go until someone brings me Nyquil to knock my ass out and hopefully this stupid cold/flu thing.
