As we all know I have a slight case of ADD or in my mind I have commitement issues. I change jobs like someone buys new shoes. I move as often as that. I have a fear for getting close and a fear for letting down. This is why I refuse to get close or an a position of faith. (Faith in me that is.) I have been through more bicycle shops then I would like to mention. I wish I could change who I am but again I have commitement issues hidden below my “no settling” issues.
Endurance racing, training and work. Three things I am very confused about. I simply want to ride my bike, read a couple great books and maybe find some good music along the way. This is why I have contemplation of a fixed gear cross bike instead of the full suspension rig I should be lusting after. Why I am looking at panniers and tents. Why the 29er appeal is so high.
I can’t settle down. I hate commiting to one thing and sticking to it.
Back in the spring I had a great gig up in Boston. Great pay in a great area. I couldn’t commit though. I needed out faster than I was in. I wish things up there would of gone different. If that opportunity was closer to the wife or friends.
So again I am at the drawing board. What the fuck is up with your life Arleigh. Where are you going. Or rather where would you want to go? Maybe I shouldn’t even worry about that right now. Maybe I should learn to stay at one job in one area for more than 8 months. Maybe I should learn how to communicate better with higher management/owners. I thought training would fix me. Put me on a schedule and a goal in life. Instead it caused more confusing issues. Maybe I went around it the wrong way? Who knows. I want to ride my bike I say. Then why aren’t you? Fear maybe. Fear of where it may take me. Or fear of commitement to that bicycle.
My lovely Jeannie. The woman of my life. I have no clue how we have lasted as long as we have. I’m not even sure how she deals with my nonsense. Moving, jobs, buying habits, budget issues. Somehow she has stuck with me, and when I start getting commitement issues and try to push her away she won’t allow it.
That I believe is what I need, someone to strap me down and force me to go to one job in one town on one bike. It isn’t that I hate that one job or one job or need more than one bike. It is that I have been that girl for so long. The one that moves. The nomad. One with many ideas and no backbone. Now I am simply trying to learn how to grow one. A back bone which includes commitement. A commitement to myself and my life I wish to end up with.
Who knows the moral of this post. I guess be prepared for a bunch of nonsense coming down the blogging tube. I wish I could be happy with life and how it is. I am trying to make it so. I really am.