Arleigh Jenkins

Told You So

Remember how I said I was going to be hitting bottom before getting better?

Yeh my car was hit yesterday night on the way to the beach. Long story which I dont want to get into. I’m fine and the car is ok, just has a dent behind the driver side passenger rear door. The people in the other car were ok. There’s a long story behind it all but again I don’t want to get into it.

Got to the beach and Ali started giving me dreads. They are AWESOME! Not finished yet, but still awesome. The hippie queen I know kinda was like WTF. This was after me telling her that I’m going to be one of the first hippies not on drugs. I think it can be done. I mean you don’t have to be high to be free spirited and happy . And that’s what I need right now, to be less stressed and well happy. If someone wants to stop that because its not fitting the stereo-type, than you are well mean.

Ha sorry I’m a being just as mean. I’m tired, and still upset over the car. It’s a month old. hmph.

As well as trying to figure out crap with girls and life. bah.

All day staring at the ceiling

Making friends with shadows on my wall

All night hearing voices telling me

That I should get some sleep

Because tomorrow might be good for something

Yeah, how I used to be

How I used to be

Well, I’m just a little unwell

How I used to be

How I used to be

I’m just a little unwell- Matchbox 20

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I’m going to go tuesdays to the doctors, get some drugs.

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Seems like I’m letting the world down. Makes me not wanna be in this world almost. I think I have to hit the bottom before I can get back up. Good thing I’m almost to the ground.

Sorry guys.

Politics.

One thing that sucks about democracy. It’s everywhere! Especially bike shops. I went to my old, old shop. The owner has become a controlling asshole . I only dropped by to see my old buddies and the owner was like out of work area you’re causing distractions..

WTF. Stupid men..

Things are just getting worse for me. Maybe its because I’m finally letting things hit me full force. I’m sad, upset and more than that disappointed in myself. What the fuck am I doing. I thought things were bad and now they are badder. Things should work out, thats how life is right? I keep trying to tell myself that. Keep telling myself that actually.

Maybe my thoughts on how to live life are all wrong. Maybe this isn’t who I should be. Hell maybe I should be a doctor, it doesn’t feel like I should be here. Yes I am happiest on the bike, but who said happinest is life? That’s what I thought but hell I have been wrong alot lately.

Maybe I’ve lost my mind. I seriously think I have. Seriously.

God fucking damn it.

One on my own..

Wow it’s been a long time, I’m trying to remember how to do this…

Things are going all wrong

All the stupid thoughts making me mad

Things are needing to be

Why does it feel so wrong

Who have I become

It doesn’t feel like me anymore

Remembering so many thoughts

All the love that was

Now who is their to blame

Life is what you make it

This place, life isn’t right

A ghost is what I have become

Making it harder on everyone

No one deserves this

Remembering so many thoughts

All the love that was

Now who is their to blame

Same ole Lyrics

I’ve always liked this song, and it always seems to fit things in my life well.

Darling are you feeling

The same thing that I’m seeing

The troubles of the day

Took my breath away

Took my breath away

Now you’re no longer talking

And I’m no longer listening

There’s nothing left to say

Said it anyway

Said it anyway

And I want you not

And I need you not

I’m dying

Cos this is the saddest song I’ve got

The saddest song I’ve got

Darling are you healing

From all the scars appearing

Don’t it hurt a lot

Don’t know how to stop

Don’t know hot it stops

Now there’s no sense in seeing

The colours of the morning

Hold the clouds at bay

Chase them all away

Chase them all away

And I’m frozen still

Unspoken still

Heartbroken

Cos this is the saddest song I’ve got

The saddest song I’ve got- Annie Lenno

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I’m back in MD. Life has truely totally changed in 48 hours. I mean fully. I’m in MD, things are alright but well not well. It was good seeing my friends but they didn’t make things change. I think things will get better. I hope so atleast. I dont think I could handle much more.

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Guess who’s moving to back to MD?

Me.

From now till ETERNITY

I’ve been figuring out my training schedule, seeing when I can race again for real. After talkign to several people that have gone to top level competition and back.. I’ve decided I need atleast 3k on my legs before I start interval training. Holy shit right? If I’m riding 200 miles a week (around that) I’ll be doing that for a damn long time. Ohwell. I dont want to injure myself again. Stupid Arleigh and injuries. I’m going to go through alot of tires between now and then.. Hmph.

On this whole training kick I bought a new Polar Heart Rate Monitor. The 520. It works as a bike computer too, I broke mine last week. Specialized computers aren’t meant to be in the rain for any extended amount of time. hehe. I also bought a couple books. One one weight training, a Training Diary, and one on cyclocross. Yumm Cyclo-X. I think that is my calling. Getting dirty on skinny tires.

I got a kitten last night, but we had to take him back this morning. He’s not weaned yet properly from his mom, a mommas boy. He didn’t eat all night or this morning. Made me nervous, so back he went.

Again Arleigh isn’t fully here

Saturday evening I typed up this huge blog about how much I hate my job and how close I was to quitting Friday.. and I didn’t push publish. Yeh I’m dumb.

SO full story yet again. This past saturday there was this huge race/ego crushing called Mt. Mitchell. It is the ONE race my boss cares about at all. As his personality goes he got more and more stressed as the days got closer to the race. The day before the race he of course came into work, and of course took too much on his plate. He didn’t end up leaving early as planned (of course.) So by closing he was well bitter, pain in the butt to everyone. No fault to him, he had a race the next day and was still at work..but to be bitching about the things he was bitching about made me want to leave then and there. When I moved to Columbia I was prepared for 40 hours a week doing some sales and mechanic crap at the shop. In mid October I was picked to take on the whole new computer system and switching over all the inventory. I was the only one in the shop that had a clue about computers that was there more than 10 hours a week. As well as the only one Brian seemed to think could take on the whole task. I did it as well as I could, waiting for some help for above before I drowned under all the responsiblites put on my plate. Finally a couple weeks back I found out we were getting a true manager (Keith) which meant alot of the daily tasks would not be on my shoulders anymore.

A quick step back. I’m not, by any means, am saying all this because I hate my shop or what I do. But I’m saying it because I am still young, I don’t have ANY type of real training in this, and well I’m plain stressed out over life because of it. That’s not how it should be. I’m young, I need to be having fun, not having the worries of a 35 year old.

Well finally I found out Keith was coming on board, which started to spring up a bunch of new problems. Our current manager is lost on where he should be in the whole situation. Should he keep managing or step back and become just general sales. Understandable. Again puts more shit on me. I am not the type of person that likes things done wrong, and because of that I end up doing most of this crap around the shop. Knowing if someone else does it, it will be done wrong, and somehow come back to me.

Come back to me it did. Friday when my boss was all cranky and bitter about his race coming up, starting finding problems everywhere. Knowing I didn’t do most of the things wrong he was accusing me of, I simply wanted to walk out. I was doing the best of what I could do, with out working there 80 hours a week, and without bitching everyone out everyday with the things they did wrong. I took every bike part out of the shop that belonged to me, everything I could find that I had bought was put in my car or Kris’. Kris left to go home, waiting for me to get there to start packing my shit up so I could drive home for the weekend. Simply put I was tired of it. Tired of being held to standards that people 10 years older than I weren’t held to. I was tired of being close to the only one that cared that things were done right. So yes, very tired.

Keith and Isabella (you can see her pix in the gallery) came in from walking down to Ben and Jerry’s. His timing was great. Keith is a very upbeat person, much like me most of the time. He has a level head and has dealt with alot of cranky owners/bosses before. He asked me what I needed to be happy again in the shop, and I told him everything that I wrote earlier. I needed to ride, that’s why I moved down here. Also if I was going to continue to care about the shop, other people needed to start caring too. I hate politics, and I deffly hate when I feel like my backs against the wall with it all.

Things are going better, Keith calmed me down enough that I was at work Saturday. I’m going to try and sit down with Brian. Though it probably won’t work, and talk about it all. I don’t think that he knows what position he’s put us all ya know? Ohwell to each their own.

Hopefully I’ll make it to the docs to get my back checked out.